It's definitely not your job to get a romantic partner to commit.

Something many of us are or have been guilty of is taking it personally when someone doesn't have the ability or desire to commit. Damn, we have a nasty habit of internalizing other people's feelings and behavior in general! Therefore, when people disappoint us or mistreat us, we view it as a failure to please and to perform. However, personalizing other people's feelings, behavior, ability, or willingness to engage leads to living in fear that they will change. It's almost as if we needed reassurance that they were miserable and getting their reward, not giving someone else what we couldn't get.

Whether it's months, years, or decades later, people are allowed to change.

If we were in a less than fulfilling and loving relationship with someone in the past, we don't have the copyright or the first words on their growth.

Even though we may feel like we've given our all, accepted crumbs, tolerated the unacceptable, and invested our time, emotions, effort, etc., we are not beholden to anyone's change. another. Nor are we indebted for their suffering until the end of time as compensation. So if they move on, it's not further confirmation of our unworthiness. Our ex will suffer the consequences of his habits on his timeline, not ours.

One of the traps we fall into is confusing change of person with return on investment. We see our willingness, for example, to become what we think our romantic partner wants as an "investment." In return, we consider their willingness and ability to do what we want in return as “profit”. Bear in mind, of course, that what we want might require them to flip-flop on their typical character. For example, engaging, communicating instead of avoiding, or that they stop mistreating us,

Here's the thing: a person who "changes" and becomes emotionally available and ready to commit is not a "return on investment". This is not the case.

How come we have to break to "establish the relationship"?

In fact, "return on investment" is about letting go and raising our standards so that we treat and consider each other with love, care, trust and respect. This upheaval will only lead to better relationships and experiences.

Also recognize that people can claim they have changed or want to. Hello, Future Fake and Fast Forwarding. This is why we can end up going back and forth with an ex for years, even decades. It's also why a relationship can drag on well past its sell-by date. Our partner keeps telling us what we think we want to hear in those inevitable critical discussions. You know, the ones where the future of the relationship hangs in the balance and we think it's over this time. Then our partner gradually returns to the status quo of their typical behavior. Note: so do we!

When we confuse what someone else does with what we have satisfied and accomplished, we enter a vicious cycle.

If we really believe that we have "made" someone change, we will think that we have more influence than we do.

We will also find ourselves attached to the model of pleasing people. Why? Because we think that's the only way to keep that person who they are or meet our needs and wants. for example. We think our romantic partner is saying they want to be with us because of all the effort they put into pleasing people. When they don't feel and behave the way we need, want, or expect, we'll assume the solution is to please and try harder. But also, when we consider exhaling and relaxing to be more of who we really are, it will be too scary. We will fear being out of control and exposing ourselves to pain, disappointment and rejection. And we go around in circles.

One thing we forget about when trying to be what we think we "get" a commitment is that it ch...