Should I dump my rich friends? | Ask Philippa

The Question I'm very lucky to have gone to a posh college at the top of the rankings. I am immensely privileged in many ways, but being from a working class background, the culture shock hit me hard and I found it difficult to adapt to society.

Since then, another strange phenomenon has happened: everyone I've remained friends with has miraculously bought a house in London. No mention of savings or money. I just walked into the pub one day with an announcement of their purchase. They are then, of course, praised with praise for this achievement. Even those who don't have a job or are still studying… One moment we live in a dodgy shared flat, then they have an apartment and ask our opinion on the curtains.

With no chance to save in this expensive city and with stagnating wages, I feel like there is no hope for me to have a safe place to live and the system is rigged ( although I plan to leave as soon as I find a job elsewhere). I'm afraid that jealousy will turn into bitterness. Should I throw them away?

Philippa's Response No, I don't think so. Regardless of your social class and economic background, it impacts your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Your culture of origin forms your identity, the way you think, feel and behave. Jump from culture to culture, and even though everyone speaks the same language, you can still feel like you're in a weird room and everyone but you has a copy of the script. Social mobility gave you a glimpse of another life, a better knowledge of the injustice of the world and the fact that meritocracy has nothing to do with anything.

Having secret nest eggs to fall back on doesn't just give people money to buy a house, it also gives them the confidence to take risks, study for fun, or take time off. It's no surprise that you're jealous, but is it your friends' fault that you resent them? No. Do you want them to feel bad rejecting them because they make you feel bad? Maybe, but would it help? No.

It may seem deliberate that your friends do not mention the sources of their money, when their family has obviously given them capital - but I think that, rather than hypocrisy or deceit is another example of even more social difference. You've struggled with social adjustment and this might be the biggest struggle yet. Upper middle class people don't usually talk about where their money comes from. So probably because they haven't heard from other people about their trust funds, they don't talk about them either - and it's not just about trust funds; I include people who come from families who may have the kind of excess money to help with making a deposit or paying off student loans, which is totally foreign to you. You might get the impression that they're claiming that after six months as a trainee barrister, doctoral student, baby banker or gallery assistant, they can afford a three-bed flat with a view of Clapham Common thanks to their hard work. They're probably not knowingly cheating.

That doesn't make them horrible people - and they're probably not aware of the effect they have on you. They may not have realized that some people's parents had no inheritance from their own parents and had no money in reserve. You don't have to throw them away.

Research in the field of social psychology suggests that class difference makes it less likely that working-class people can benefit education to improve their material situation compared to people of equivalent educational level from the middle class. This is not only related to inherited money, but also to differences in social and cultural capital, such as the size of networks and participation in different cultural activities. Your position is not uncommon. You may have often felt like a fish out of water. You had a higher mountain to climb than them, but don't fall at this point. I know you feel like giving up and it's too much of a difference to handle, but hang in there. I want you to have a wide network and take advantage of the social capital you have now. And I want you, without shame, to educate your friends about your life - where you're from and what it's like to have no trust funds or the social and cultural capital that they feel is part of the zeitgeist.

My husband is also from a working class background and traveled class. When he left art school he was at a dinner party at a fancy house and a lady said she didn't understand homelessness because "Why didn't they just go home to their parents?" He looked at the paintings in the large dining room and said, "Or they could just take a few Rembrandts like...