When verbal disrespect slams your relationship...

We love getting questions from our readers and here's a great one on the verbal disrespect we received some time ago...

"Sally" asks...

"They say that what kills more marriages even more than infidelity these days is 'verbal disrespect'. What's the best way to handle an argument in a marriage without being disrespectful? ?"

Our answer...

If you've been in a relationship for a while, at some point you've probably felt "disrespected" in some way and usually verbally.

It can feel like an uncomfortable pinch or it can be an overwhelming tsunami of feeling betrayed at all times.

In a nutshell, it's when your partner says something in a way that you think is "wrong" and hurts you. At some point, you decided that wasn't how you wanted to be treated and called it disrespect.

It can be a harsh tone of voice or harsh words that can escalate into name-calling, threats, and worse.

Susie recalls feeling disrespected when she experienced what she considered Otto's "condescending tone of voice". She thought, "How can he talk to me like that if he loves me?"

Otto recalls feeling disrespected when he went through what he saw as Susie's "control demands." He thought, "How can she treat me like this if she loves me?"

And these thoughts have led to arguments in the past.

Here's what we found out about verbal disrespect that can also help you... 1. Verbal disrespect is subjective and a moving target.

Each person makes their own definition and it can change from moment to moment.

Sometimes we are blind to how our words and actions are perceived by others.

We say and do things out of habit (especially when we are upset) and from what we have seen modeled by our parents.

We recently spoke with a woman whose husband left their marriage and she said she had no idea how she treated him until he left.

During their marriage, he had told her that she didn't listen to him and that she was very judgmental, but she hadn't listened.

Her father had been very critical of everyone in the family and although she didn't want to be like him, as she became aware of his words and actions, she saw that she had acted like him.

She began to choose to see how her words and actions could be construed as disrespect and began to make other choices.

That didn't mean she had to do what her husband said, but it did mean she had to listen with an open mind.

2. When you label a behavior as "verbal disrespect," it obscures the real issue and escalates the argument.

Susie discovered that the tone of Otto's voice that aroused feelings of pain and disrespect in her occurred when he was insecure. She found that instead of lashing out and complaining about being disrespected by the way he was talking to her, she started asking something like this...

“Help me understand what is happening to you right now.”

When he felt her open up to him, he opened up to her.

Otto also discovered that Susie's "requests for control" happened when she was stressed about something or felt a deadline was hanging over her head. When he stopped thinking he had no choice in the matter (because he always had), he could offer his help instead of reacting angrily. When she saw him not getting carried away with anger, she calmed down.

You don't have to call what the other person says or does "disrespectful" and you don't have to put up with "bad behavior" either.

You can approach disagreements with an attitude of mutual understanding instead.

3. Practice choosing words that invite rather than create distance when speaking your truth.

There is a difference between speaking your truth and being honest (even if you disagree with your partner) and being verbally disrespectful.

You can use these phrases from our "Magic Relationship Words" program...